Now that I've had a little space from the vacation... now that the combination of tan, burn and freckles have faded... now that my stupid, awful fucking cold has returned only to a little congestion... I figured that I would settle it once and for all. Where would I rate Key West in all of my adventures? Actually, I'll put it into context of all of the SUNNY destinations I've been.Here's what Key West offers:
• Great sunsets. If you love sunsets, you'll like Key West.
• A main street in which you can stumble from bar to bar, or crap shop to crap shop. It's the same street.
• Lots of people watching if you're in the right place. Maybe even better if you're in the wrong place.
• Boating excursions. If you want to get out and explore, that's the way to do it.
Now... I'll try to take out the people factor a little to try and weigh all my worldly exploits. Here's how I would rate my top sunny destinations...
1. Australia. No shit, really? You mean I actually ENJOYED traveling in a plane for a day or more to go halfway around the world only to land in a foreign destination where they spoke... English?
Don't be an idiot. Of course I did! The entire trip I didn't have to worry about drinking the water, learning a language, or feeling like I was an outcast. I was actually one of the cool people because I was the one with the accent. And the whole country smells like a toned down Pier 1. The entire time I was there, I wanted to buy wicker furniture and candles made by children in India and Viet Nam.
Oh, and the wine is so superior to most of the crap we drink in America. And it's fairly cheap!
That's not to mention the beautiful countryside, great coastal views, and amazingly friendly people. And when we flew from Sydney to Melbourne, going through the airport was like stepping back in time to the mid 90's. No intense security, no lines... hell, people didn't even start to show up for their flight until ten minutes before boarding! I felt like an idiot showing up 90 minutes early.
2. Norway. Another amazing country with incredible views and extremely friendly folk. I was only 14 when I went there, but I will always remember it. And I think the only reason why I put it as #2 on this list is because it's been such a long time since I visited. That, and even in the middle of July that place can be fucking chilly.
The Fjords are one hell of a thing to see in person though. Steep hills plunge into the cold waters to form these crazy inlets from the sea, some stretching for over a hundred miles. And my favorite town was at the end of this fjord, called Flåm. I still think about it from time to time.
We (my mom, sis and I) traveled up and down that country... by train, boat, plane and automobile. Oslo, Bergen, Trondheim, Bødo... connecting with relatives along the way. If you are of Scandinavian decent, I strongly suggest you take a trip back to the motherland. It's spectacular.
Sorry, no drinking exploits on this trip to talk about. What do you want? I was FOURTEEN for crying out loud.
"Not sunny?" you ask. In July, the sun rises at two o'clock in the mother fuckin' a.m after setting well past 11pm. Don't tell me about sunny. Just because they don't see the shiny orb for a few months out of the year doesn't mean that's when you GO there. Moving on!
3. Costa Rica. And it wasn't just because it was my honeymoon. This place was completely different than any place I had ever been before. It could have been mars. Hell, it might've been. And for a getaway trip (and I mean escaping everything here: language, people, weather, etc.), this trip is #1.
It was hot and humid, all the time. I almost sweat to death while in a shop with zero air circulation in Jaco. I physically touched the sun. But the beaches were fabulous, and it was extremely easy to find a beach that was completely empty as far as the eye could see.
The roads were absolutely the worst things I have ever ridden on -- or ridden around in many cases. The road was literally filled giant potholes, some large enough for a cow to lay down in. For most of the coastal road, we drove two tires on, two tires in the ditch. And at about 20 mph.
The rain was incredible. At around 4:00pm, the clouds would come in. By 6:00 it was raining sheets of water. What do you want? It's a fucking rainforest.
Watch out for the monkeys though. They are real assholes down there.
4. Maui. I didn't have to pay for it... I was a teenager, and my dad paid the bill on this one. Free trip to Maui? Hell yes!
Maui is everything you'd expect. Lush plant life, bikinis, snorkeling (in my opinion, the best reefs in the US can be found in Hawaii), t-shirt shops, surf boards... lots of tourist shit. It's a lot like Florida in many ways, except a ton more colorful and there are fewer theme parks -- and fewer rednecks. And fewer assholes too, as there are no monkeys.
But I won't pull your knob on this one. Hawaii is expensive. It was when I was a teen, and it is now. If you can afford a trip there, though, I highly recommend it.
5. 6. 7. Now... the next three I lump together. They are all similar in many ways, though they are distinctly different. New Orleans, Cancun, and our most recent trip -- KEY WEST.
They are all pretty laid back, and all love heavy drinking. If you don't like drinking, get the fuck out. If you're on the wagon, stay the fuck out. If you're too cool for school, keep the fuck out. They don't want you. You are boring, and you won't spend any money doing body shots off of complete strangers.
You won't make the same bad mistakes (and bad impulse buys) they expect out of everyone else. "OMG, I NEED THIS!" is often exclaimed by some drunk that wanders into one of the many crap shops as they grab a XXL t-shirt with a skinny, bikini clad body spray painted on its front.
They all are geared towards tourism. New Orleans falls behind slightly in this category (and I haven't been there since before Katrina hit), but makes up for it with great pockets that keep tourists like a roach motel. Cancun exceeds in this category because it was built for the express purpose of attracting tourists.
Key West is actually a good compromise between the two.
Whereas New Orleans is a large metropolitan city and Cancun is lined with giant hotel after giant hotel, Key West manages to find a good middle ground, keeping smaller hotels near tourist attractions, bars and restaurants, etc.
Where Cancun has lots of beaches (though not as many right after Hurricane Wilma) and New Orleans has none (not in February anyway!), Key West has a couple of great looking beaches (a major pain in the ass to get to from some places if you're walking, however). Though, seriously, you need to get some aqua socks or something as the ground is mostly coral. If you really want to get in the water though, go on a boat.
Cancun does offer fabulous and exotic day trips to see Mayan ruins. Chichen Itza was awesome. But don't go to Xel-Ha unless you want to support one of the worst tourist traps I've ever been to in my entire life. That place made me sad.
Key West offers a fabulous (though less exotic) day trip as well. See for yourself.
The main distinctions is between their mascots. Key West has the pirate. Cancun has the whole Mayan thing. New Orleans has Brad "am I a vampire or am I a guy with a broken watch" Pitt.
The bottom line is this: All three are touristy to the nth degree. All three make a majority of their income from tourism. Are they worth it? If you're looking for a care-free time, sure. If you're there with friends, definitely. But if you're looking for intellectual stimulation, historical tours, or anything that doesn't involve you getting bombed out of your gourd at some point... keep the fuck out of these places. Sure you can do it, but you'll be annoyed by all the drunks.
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